Catrin Jones

When I was in school I used to be a Goth (much laughter). I had these great purple Doc Martins that I painted. It allowed me to be despondent teenager. Everyone else at school wore these short skirts and I wore long skirts in depressing “Gothy colours”. Now I’m nothing like that. I quite like pink and sparkly things and I’m fairly trendy, though not when I’m wearing my choir outfit! I just grew out of it I suppose. The appeal was the idea of being miserable and I used to like the slightly off the wall clothes and purple lipstick. I’m not sure I was a proper Goth. I never quite got the music. But it was fun to dabble.

I’m in the Gospel Choir and have just been singing for the CSV “Make a Difference Day”. I’ve been doing it for about three years. It’s something I do in the evenings. I don’t do much else. I work in Witney as a Clinical Research Associate. We do studies in performance evaluation, marketing and development, which sounds cool, but there is a lot of paperwork.

Before Oxford I was doing a Masters in Medical Diagnostics in Bedfordshire. I’m half English and half Welsh so I don’t quite fit in in Wales. I’ve got a Welsh name but I don’t sound Welsh and find people don’t know how to react to me. I lost any trace of an accent in London after mixing with lots of posh boys at Imperial College. I was hard work and I was really busy all the time. Bedfordshire was a big change: it’s flat and foggy in the winter. There was a lot of opportunity to work and not much else!

I haven’t really travelled. I’ve never taken a year out. I’ve been on holidays abroad but that’s it really. I think I just got on the treadmill and never got off. I’m a bit geeky and so my priorities have always been to do well at studying or whatever I’m doing work-wise. But a year and a half ago I was quite seriously ill and that has changed my priorities. I sustained some kidney damage as a result of my illness and I have to be wary that my kidneys are not working as well as a normal person’s. That has made me take stock of things more. Work is still important but seeing my friends and making sure I have time to have fun and develop are important too. I’ve had the illness since I was twelve or thirteen. Systemic Lupus Erythematosis (SLE or Lupus) is an autoimmune disease that can affect any organ of the body. Rather than concentrating on its proper job the body’s immune system exerts a lot if its energy on destroying its body tissue of choice; the ultimate self-loathing.

With SLE you have troughs and flares of disease activity but the one thing that never goes away is the tiredness. In my experience all flares are unique and my body feels very different after each one, a combination of the damage inflicted and new medicines prescribed. It takes up to two years to get used to this “new “body, to adjust to its likes and dislikes and accept its new limitations. By then its time for the next flare.

My latest flare was my biggest ever and the second that concerned my kidneys. It was the first time I’ve been frightened by being ill and of going into hospital. I had to have loads of nasty drugs and was quite ill and couldn’t do much. I managed to get to work and that was about it. I realise now that I have slightly damaged kidneys my lifespan will probably be shortened and I have to think about fitting things in rather than putting them off.

I’m not resentful. At the beginning I was angry, as anyone would be, but there’s no point because all you become is a bitter person, you can’t carry on and do things. Sometimes though I catch myself wondering how much better my life would be, and what I would be like, without it.

I’m terrible at making decisions but at the same time I have never thought of making a decision in the middle of a conversation with someone. I’m the type of person who gathers information and then goes away and thinks about it rather than immediately agreeing with someone else and acting upon that. The most enjoyable conversations I have are with a very good friend. He’s moved away so I don’t’ see him very often; probably about once or twice a year but we talk on the phone quite a lot. It’s hard to explain but it just works. My most difficult conversation… (nervous laugh). From the age of eighteen to twenty-two I had a boyfriend and we lived together. Then he went to Law School in Chester and he had a bit too much of a good time in Fresher’s Week. He didn’t actually tell me we weren’t going out any more. Until one day I phoned up and asked why he hadn’t called me and he said it was because we were no longer going out. Yes, I wanted to murder him. I went over to Chester to see him because I thought it was fairly essential that we talked and it was probably the worst conversation of my life. It was very difficult but you can’t make someone change if they’ve already made up their mind. In hindsight it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I had become part of a couple and hadn’t made any decisions on my own for the whole of my adult life. I wasn’t very confident. There was no way I would have been interviewed on the radio whilst I was with him. He was very jealous, sometimes violent and didn’t like me having male friends. I’ve never been able to work out why I tolerated it, why I stayed so long or why on Earth I would have wanted to change his mind in Chester –perhaps I thought it was love.

In a way I feel limited by my family’s expectations. Everyone in my mother’s family have gone to university for generations, my great grandparents were doctors, so that path was pretty much laid out. You had to get yourself a career and not have gap years or do slightly different things. I’ve adhered to that and found it rather limiting. I can see my nineteen year old sister not conforming and then feeling a little envious of her. She’s gone to Art School and she’s having fun and doing what she really likes. It’s not that I don’t like Science, it’s just watching her not following the set rule that I found difficult. I have been advantaged in that although my parents aren’t rich I suppose if everything went wrong they could help me. But I really can’t think of anything else!

I get lonely all the time (nervous laugh). When I was ill last year I was very lonely because when you are ill people tend to…well, they can’t visit all the time. Most of my friends don’t live in Oxford anyway and I do tend to put on this front that everything is absolutely hunky dory so people tend to think “Cat’s getting on with it and she’ll be fine”. That gets me down somewhat. People don’t understand how much being ill affects me. A friend once described me as “superhuman”. It was really flattering but it couldn’t be much further from the truth. I feel a pressure to act like that, to appear “normal”. I pretend so I can fit in and because I feel inferior. But it can make me come across as spiky (my mum calls me her little hedgehog) and that just makes everything worse. No-one can get close to you if you’re too scared to let them. I probably expected too much of my friends last year. I was cross because I felt that they had all left me and didn’t come and see me enough, but people have their own lives and I was probably a bit selfish to forget that. In a way it made me realise who my friends really were because some completely dropped off the radar. It was a good selection process really.

I don’t have a boyfriend. Even though since leaving the horrible boyfriend everything has improved and I’ve got a nice job with a little bit of money where I can go out do things, I don’t have anyone to share that with. Sometimes that hits you. Especially as my best friend from school is getting married soon. It’s not that I’m not happy for her, but because we were at school together and did everything together. Now she’s getting married it feels like I’m being left behind. I don’t have any remedies for loneliness but I would like to know one! I just generally have a little sob or think, “Oh, for goodness sake”. To me, having friends and family is more important that having a boyfriend. Your family will love you pretty much whatever and that’s great as long as you don’t stretch that too far of course.

I have to say that I’m probably less of a raving feminist that I used to be. I suppose that it got toned down at Imperial. They would have thought me a lesbian or a raving loony. At my last job there were two of us that started at the same time with the same qualifications but he was male. In fact he did the same Masters as me but failed whereas I passed. He seemed to get on better at work and bond more with the bosses because they were all male and I found that frustrating. Although women are no less intelligent than men it does seem that that men progress more. As for how the sexes treat each other, well, you can get very nice men who are very nice to women and then you get the opposite. I really don’t think you can generalise. Where I work now is a very different atmosphere. All my bosses are female and I suppose a guy might feel equally ostracised.

I don’t think I want power. Money is always nice and I think it motivates me a little. Ultimately I would like to earn enough to buy my own house. I don’t want to be mega-rich, just enough to be comfortable. It is important to me that I have a job that I can be proud of and gain respect from. So I can say what I am and not feel embarrassed, which is a bit snobby really. I like the idea that people think well of me; and respect me for other things as well – being a good person or a good friend. I’m more interested in that than being rich or the next Simon Cowell. Unfortunately what other people think of me has a large part to play in my opinion of myself and that’s definitely a negative thing. It probably stems from insecurity (nervous laugh). I’m never quite sure why I’m insecure because I’m not awful person, I’m good at my job and I’m fairly intelligent but have always been insecure about things.

I like the idea of leading in a work capacity, but whether I ever volunteer to do it is another matter. In terms of friends or deciding what to do when you go out I don’t tend to take over because I always worry that I will pick something that no-one will be happy with. At the same time I do get frustrated when people take over so I am one of those annoying people who won’t actually take the initiative but when someone does, doesn’t like it. To be a leader you have to confident. Even when you’re not quite sure what you are doing you have to appear as though you are. Hopefully with age my confidence will grow.

Some fears, such as heath, have increased, especially over the last two years. I worry that one day I will get too ill to work and support myself. I wonder if it will stop somebody thinking of me as wife material. I think I am more comfortable with myself and the way I look. I’m more or less over the type of insecurities you have as a teenager although I’m still not totally happy with what I see in the mirror. I don’t worry about things like crime; maybe I’m not old enough. Neither do I have a fear of taxes or interest rates going up, at least not quite yet.

I’m a bit of a creature of habit and I’m most comfortable with the people I know. I don’t like being in new situations, which is a bit sad for a young person, I sound like an old lady! I was with new people at work and they asked me if I’d like to come out on Friday night and there was this nagging thing in my head where I thought “ Oh no I can’t go, what excuse can I think of?” Really stupid because in actual fact I wanted to go. Half the time I end up going, half the time I don’t. I take about three months to warm up which is terrible.

I think courage comes when you least expect it – and when you need it. I don’t have a faith, even though I’m in the Gospel Choir. Sometimes I wish that I did because you wonder what will happen to you when you die. It would be reassuring to feel that something all powerful loves you and looks after you, but I just find it very hard to understand. I really enjoy singing in the choir and if I actually believed the words as well I would be a very happy person. I think that my upbringing and the fact that I am a scientist has had an influence. My parents are not very religious. They never really took us to church or chapel and said “Oh well, you can decide when you are older”. If you’re not given the opportunity to have a go then it is very difficult to choose anything but not believing. So I don’t know whether they got that quite right.

I can be intolerant of other people. If a person is not very bright and doesn’t pick up things quickly I get quite impatient, it’s awful really. I probably don’t do enough for other people. In fact I don’t think I really do anything. I have been told by friends that I am supportive when things have happened to them. But I just think that is what a friend is. I don’t know if I wish I did more. Sometimes I wonder do things. I don’t know whether they are actually being genuine or whether it’s self-gratification.

My spending habits can be a little schizophrenic. I really want to buy a house so I am trying to save money and get a deposit together- but at the same time I will go to Oasis or TopShop and I’ll spend a fortune. What do I need that money can’t buy? Someone to give me a big cuddle! I probably don’t have enough friends, so yes, I would like more. It would be nice to have someone different. Most of my friends are quite similar.

I’ve probably wasted lots of my life. But you learn something from pretty much everything. Even if you “waste” the afternoon watching TV you may learn a fascinating fact that will come up when you’re on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” All in all I’ve made the right decisions. It’s where I’ve shied away from taking decisions that things have gone wrong. I would have done things differently at university. I don’t think I would have had a boyfriend, or at least not for so long. I wish I’d done a PhD straight away. I think the time commitment scared me off and I let the opportunity slip me by. There’s a conversation with someone I’ve been avoiding for years and I wish I was bold enough to have it – I’ve wasted loads of time worrying about it. I feel I waste time at work sometimes and I think I could do more in the evenings. I have all these ideas of things I’m going to do, but they never actually come to anything. I get too tired.

There have been lots of great moments with my patents, canal boat holiday and such. When I first got ill I was very angry and blamed them. We had lots of arguments and I didn’t really talk to my Dad because it is quite possible that the faulty genes came from his side of the family, which obviously isn’t his fault, but when I was fourteen I was cross and angry and blamed him. I think he just gave up after a while.

I know that my life isn’t complete; I’d be lying if I said it was. I like Oxford very much but I don’t feel that it is quite my home because I don’t have a huge network of friends here or a boyfriend. Not to say that is supremely important, but that need is part of being a human being and it’s that kind of thing that makes my life incomplete. It’s not making loads of money, not having a nice house or a nice car.

I’d like to meet Take That. I went to see them this year in concert and I just got their DVD. It is rather sad because their music is pretty rubbish but they were part of my youth. I’d quite like to meet Prince Charles as I’m opposed to him because he sets himself up as the Prince of Wales. I’d ask him something in Welsh just to completely throw him.

Surely love is just real rather than a concept. Love is about caring about someone as much or more than you do yourself, whether that’s romantic love or friendship love.